I am officially in a rut! Have you ever been so fat you just don't care anymore? That's how I feel. I seriously don't know how Korina is doing it.
I am having a terrible time finding that medium, where I can take care of myself, my kids, my husband, my callings and my house. All of which are getting done except the "take care of myself" part. Skyler has had some really hard classes lately and I am having to support him, and get back to my normal duties. I'm not complaining...just explaining the situation. You both know how hard it is having a husband in school and lots of kids running around.
I keep telling myself I'm gonna exercise... some days I do and others I don't. I keep telling myself I'm gonna eat healthy, but then I have chocolate cake or oreo cookies or chips and dip STARING me in the face and I say, "What the heck, I'm fat anyway, WHATEVER!" and I eat. I am a total emotional eater and it is completely destroying me. I have a month and half to lose some weight before we go on vacation. I think I'm finally hitting rock bottom.... what triggered it?? I decided to weigh myself today and I am the same weight I was when I GAVE BIRTH to Riley!!! UGH!! I could just cry right now. I need to get my act together. I guess I just feel like I have no support because Skyler is experiencing the same thing as me and I don't know if he's just not motivated or if he is just so depressed he doesn't care, or what, but we are in the same funk and I have to do something to bring us both out of it. He, at least has been walking the kids to school every day. I did on Tuesday, but then Teagan got sick so Wednesday I stayed home with him while they walked, and today he had Pre-k registration so we skipped it too. Tomorrow I am going, but I can't help but feel like I need more. I know my body can't handle running right now. I've got too much weird stuff going on and I am WAY too heavy to do it right now. I have enough aches and pains with just speed walking.
I don't even know where to start on my goals. I have never been one to reach my goals. I always mess up and give up. It really surprises me because my entire life I've been one to go for what I want and I just feel like I'm not that person anymore. I feel beated down, trodden on, and yes, at times worthless. I keep trying to put on a brave face and tell myself that everything is okay, but its not. I have to find a way to follow what Elder Worthlin said "Come what may, and love it". I've got the come what may, but the loving it part is what I'm having trouble with.
Today is the day for change. No more giving in to the evil powers that are trying to consume me. I deserve to feel good about myself. I don't know how I'm going to attack this major hurdle, but I will. I'm done feeling like crap!
Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it out.
Kim has Gary always says from one of billy madison's movie "YOU CAN DO IT!" He really does say this so very often and I want to smack when he does!! It is hard to start and to be honest lately it has been harder and harder!!
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